A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
