mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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