batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
