Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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