I'm so fucking centered right now
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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