I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
