she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
