shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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