A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
