Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
