Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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