My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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