Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
