That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
