I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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