there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
