Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
