Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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