If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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