guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
