I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
