she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
