If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
