My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
