Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
