Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
