i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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