Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
