if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
