I feel like I'm in dance class right now
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
