I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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