So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You took a bar mat shot.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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