She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
