hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Too much gin, very little bucket
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
