My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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