my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
