Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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