the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
