I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
His nipple licking is glorious
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