help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
