look no pants
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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