i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
