Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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