There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So much rum. So many feels.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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