spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
