why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
