is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
