I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
