The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He better not be in your backpack
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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