I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
